we have pet lesbian snakes
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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