dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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