I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
