I'm so fucking centered right now
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
