If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
