I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
