You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
