Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
