I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
