I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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