my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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