I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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