I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
