well I can't set my house on fire every night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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