Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
