Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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