last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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