omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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