i think my mom watched the whole time
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
