Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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