whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
