my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
