I wish my penis had an off switch
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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