five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize