Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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