Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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