But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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