While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
