I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
