Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
