Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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