i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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