i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
