I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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