also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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