I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
