at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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