I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize