If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
