Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
