She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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