Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
