Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
