Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
