apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
