I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
