can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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