Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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