I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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