I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
