I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
