i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
