i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
