i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Randomize
