Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
